for by grace.

For by grace (something I take for granted) we are saved... How does a person become so blind to the fact that what God did for us, does for us, and is going to do for us is unreal. Why do I take that for granted? Am I really that blind? It is as if I feel nothing in my heart sometimes, I reach for the kleenix but I can't even get a tear. I need a broken heart, I need God to break my heart. I want to cry but I can't, I haven't cried in months. I've become this hard person who still feels emotions but just ingnors them to the max.

Tonight as I was leaving youth, we came out of the sactuary and I found a group of probably four or five students and a leader praying, one student in particular. His heart was broken, beyond broken, it was shattered as though it was hit by a ten ton truck. Maybe it wasn't broken, maybe he was like me and it finally cracked. He cried, a few of us cried, I kept looking around the circle and people were crying and praying. I was praying to, I was next to him. I wanted to feel what he felt, I wanted to be broken and empty in the hands of God like he was, but I wasn't. I can't seem to find it, I honestly think I am tricking myself that I am growing at all. Then again, what is growth, what are the bounderies that we place growth in?
The young guy, and the leader cried out prayers, asking God to stop the crap in our church, stop the mediocere effort in our churches. To break our churchs, and show us the true way to walk. I totaly agree with it, I wanted to feel broken for the church, for the unchurched. He cried out for lost souls, for people who are being persecuted in other countries because of their faith. I sat there and thought to myself whether, if I were put into a position where there was a gun to my head, whether I would stay strong to God. I can't even grasp that concept. I don't know what it is like to struggle anymore, I removed myself from the one place where I felt people not liking my faith, into an environment where I can't escape it. An environment that engulphs a person if they are in it for long enough. I wasn't sure what to think, I really truly, from the depth of my soul pray to God that I would hold strong but I can't say tonight.

I sat there, unbroken, wanting to feel that pain, wanting to pray harder and grow like these friends are growing. I can't though, I like to pretend to myself that I am growing, go away to a conference, tell God that I am going to change, I come back and I fall into the same problems. Sure the conference was good for the fact that I got some knowledge out of it, I learnt some good stuff at breakforth, but I don't know if it really changed my heart, then once again, what is change? Every man would come up with a different answer within different circumstances and bounderies.

I need to be broken, Although I am to lethargic to do anything about it. I need to grow, but I can't seem to find the motivation, my faith is still here, but its not what it was. I don't get it, because I know I truly have faith that God is real, jesus christ died on the cross for my sins, I know I need his forgiveness. Sometimes I wonder if i am even saved. Should I be one of those people going up when there is an alter call at those conferences? I have been a christian my whole life, it feels redicules. What is going to spark a change? Why can't I get out of this rut, that I like t o ignor, but at times it is so clear that it is deep. The walls are high and slippery. I can't climb out of it.

Break my heart, make me new.
I think I mean it tonight.
I want to mean it tonight.
If I can't mean it, please hear my wish and make me mean it.
I can't do any of this on my own.
I feel disabled beyond my own understanding.
I am spiritually numb
I am numb to all of the wrong in the world.
Gods grace is my only hope.
My only hope tonight...