Breathe

I lack understanding. What is understanding? Am I even suppose to understand.

I find myself asking so many questions right now. I almost hurt inside at the thought that I doubt and know not the true Lord God. I do know God, but compared to people here at camp - I doubt a lot. I don't know why I doubt, its not as though I choose to doubt but it is more so just something I find myself doing.

While I was sleeping, there was a rather large appearance by the holy spirit after a campfire here. That is what I was told this morning. I was told that the Holy Spirit "came by" last night. The first thing I thought was, does the Holy Spirit come, or is he here now? So if he comes then does that mean he is not here? But didn't God give the Holy Spirit to us - to dwell with us, to be here, not to come and go. I don't really know, I lack knowledge on the topic, thus I can not really speak to the subject. The other thing I noticed is that I got a negative feeling as soon as I found all this out. I don't know why. Is it simply because I am never involved in stuff like this when it happens? And why am I never involved? Is it by my choice or is it because I am just not in that place spiritually. Maybe God knows I am not ready for something like that, but what if it were something like that which really made me realize something spiritually.

I then asked - was there anyone there to interpret? No one had an answer for me, why do I always ask the questions? I don't know why. I feel like I am the party pooper that no one likes - because I ask the questions that no one wants to answer. Maybe thats just how I am.

Why do I question things which are so right infront of me. I see the work God is doing, in people - in this camp. I can see how he is providing for me. He has given so much to me, but what is God - he is loving, he is the father. What does that all mean? I know the answers - I can tell you what you want to hear. But do I truly believe it, I dont know right now. I am hurting because of all this, its hard to explain, but I hurt.

Am I not worthy? Will I make it someday - Will God stand by me and say well done faithful servant? I hope so, I long for that. Lately I find it hard to pray - I find it hard to believe that somewhere, out there - someone is hearing me. I find it so hard, I feel like I am saying empty words when I pray. Yet when I hear the Christmas song, Holy, Holy, Holy - I can't help but sing holy holy holy. Its like music is the only area where I can meet God right now. I am lacking.

Where is the faith I once had, I have no clue to be honest.


Pray for me if you will, I could use it.