Breathe

 ... and jesus asked the man if he believed, and he replied, yes I believe but rid me of my disbelief.  


Rid my mind, my heart, me of my disbelief.  Its weird to be in a spiritual place, where I know all the basic answers.  I can answer the questions, I know the steps a person would take to come to know Christ.  I know what the bible says, how we should live our lives, I know that all. I am realizing how much most of that stuff does not really help you in the long run, at least not me.  I know that all, but my heart, its like my heart has lost sight of the once thriving goal of becoming closer to God.  I feel as though I have drifted so far away, and everyday is a fight just to know that I still believe that Jesus died for me, for my sins.  I believe it, I really do.  For some reason I am just in this place right now and I don't know what it is or where it is.  Its so weird to know the answers and not know Jesus himself.  I want to know Gods will for my life, I want to know what he wants me to do with every second of it... and I want to live that out!  I do, honestly.  I just can't find any motivation, any strength or endurance.  I things could change to how they use to be.  Its hard to be in a place where my relationship with God is so hard.  I am not walking away, no no.  It just sort of feels as though there is a strong wind blowing against me, and I am trying to walk into it and really, I am not gaining any ground.  keep striving, keep trying, keep praying, I pray that God will actually break my heart, I am tired of living a life that does not feel the pain his heart feels, that does not truly feel his joy, and that does not fully live and accept the freedom he offers through his sons death on the cross.  

We must be the change that we wish to see in our world today.